after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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