Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I will pee on everything he values.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
