I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
