I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
