My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Less talking, more tequila
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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