He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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