Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
