and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
