So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
