I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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