note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
