she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
