i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
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