May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
