Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
