the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
