see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
