YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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