Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
