If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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