My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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