I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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