i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
