I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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