You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I want to make a zoo with you.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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