The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
