I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
