Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
