I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
