I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
