I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
