My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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