I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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