I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
