i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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