I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
