I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
