I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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