the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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