Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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