sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
