dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
ok first of all what the fuck
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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