Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
