The maid of honor just puked.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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