I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
