I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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