6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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