Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
