You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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