I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
